Which One Is Really Me

This has been an amazing summer filled with many different memories. There have been times of excitement, joy, peace, relaxation, fun, being too busy and ,as always many blessings.

As you know I love to scrapbook and journal things about life. I have not made journaling something that I have to do everyday, but I usually write something every week. My mother kept a "daily" journal for years, I am not that committed nor do I have a life that exciting, but I do like looking through mom`s journals once in a while and remember things through her writings.

Recently I found a journal of mine from the late nineties and I looked back over some entries I had made and sometimes laugh and sometimes cry. As I read, I found myself hardly able to identify with the person writing and at times even wondering if I had two personalities ( just kidding )because there seemed to be two different people writing in my journal. One was an emotional wreck wondering where God was and if He was ever going to answer her prayers. At times she felt that she had failed Him and was not good enough to be loved by a God so forgiving and merciful. She whined to Him about the same thing with every entry. The other one was confident, humbled by God`s love for her, but believing, knowing it was always there, always and forever. It seemed through the anxieties and concerns her faith was strengthened and the pages were filled with praises along with quotes of the Psalms

I remember staring at these pages for awhile wondering which one was really me. As I read entries that were more recent, I realized that the first one rarely wrote in the journal at all anymore and the second one seemed to have taken over the journal. I flipped back through the journal to see what had happened to the first writer and came to the place that I remembered well. A time when the love and mercy of a Holy God removed the shackles, set me free and allowed me to dance. Was that it, was that when the first writer began to fade into the background, it sure seemed that way.

Has the first writer disappeared, no, not completely. In fact recently, just a few days ago I saw a glimpse of her, she actually wrote in my journal, under the name of "hurt", sneaky wouldn`t you say? You see, "hurt" can get away with lots of things because hurt can be justified at times. She wrote, "I don`t understand why she (name left out ) doesn`t speak to me, I haven`t done anything to her, but that's it, I`m not going to give her the chance to hurt me again, I`ll just ignore her and not speak to her either".

I remember feeling justified writing that, as if God was cheering me on, but today I feel different and I wish I had written something spiritual in my journal, something that I could feel good about when I re-read the entry months or years from now. I almost whited it out, but I thought about it and decided that I had written what was in my heart at that particular time and journaling is a way of expressing feelings, even if wrong, besides, I could use the best white-out made and still be able to see the spot where it had been written. Today, however, I wrote, "God has forgiven me for feeling that way about another person and I need to forgive her too". I pray that I will not feel the need to write anything like this again, but just in case, I have hidden the pens from my other personality.